Size 4 Jeans

Let me ask you something: Are you ever really “you”? Do you ever really show your true face to the world, I mean your deep down, “this is the uncensored me,” raw and open you? Does anybody?

I think the answer everyone would like to give is yes, but the honest one is no. Are there times when you’d like to say or do something, but don’t for fear of how others will react? I think that everyone has moments like that, and that means you’re not giving out the real you. I’m not necessarily saying that this is a bad thing, just pointing out that I’m not sure anyone in today’s world really shows their true self all the time.

If you show your raw and uncensored self to the world, you have to be prepared for the reactions you get, and not let them affect you. I only know one person who claims that she is like this and that’s my mother, and she’s one of the most unhappy people I’ve ever known. I don’t know if her unhappiness stems from a complete inability to connect with anyone or whether the inability to connect is because she’s extremely critical of the world and just about everything in it, from my father on outward, but there it is. And I’m not sure she really operates that way all the time anyway, no matter what she says.

The problem is that the only place that you can really be you without the pressure of what others think of you is in your head. You can’t even keep a journal really, because if someone reads it you’re exposed. And heaven forbid that you put your thoughts on the Internet and tell anyone you know where they are, because at some point, the temptation will be too great and those who might not like what they see will give in and read it.

I saw this happen just recently with a blog that I occasionally read; nice lady, sahm, two kids, one with some sort of learning disability, and she blogged about her life as a way to connect with others, sort out thoughts, make sense of things, etc. Her 11-year-old son gave in to temptation and read everything one day, and didn’t like what she had said, none of which was untrue, but some of it evidently left him feeling exposed and violated. I checked back in today, and her blog is completely gone from the face of the Internet, which is a bit sad. Blogging and/or journaling can be cathartic, and now she’s cut herself off from that kind of outlet. I’m sure she did what she thinks is best for her son at this point, but what about what’s best for her?

I know that no one knows the true me, not even my husband who comes the closest but still falls far short of the mark. I also know that I have things I want to say about my life that I wouldn’t necessarily want to share with people I know, but that I still need to get out of my system somewhere somehow. Even here at Size 4 Jeans where I blog privately and completely unconnected from the rest of my life online and off, I’ve probably censored myself whilst worrying (albeit subconsciously) about what people who read here (all two of you) will think of me, despite my thoughts in the beginning of being here to say what I want to say without worrying about what other people will think or do.

Screw that. How’s that for the raw me? I’m beginning to wonder how a person can go through life never projecting who they really are, warts and all. I want to say what I feel and be done with it, but I know that I can’t always do that because, unlike my mother, I care what people think of me to a point, if only because it makes life easier to care sometimes in some ways. But I will do it here, and with any luck it will carry over at least a little bit to the rest of my life. After all, if people can’t accept the real you, why have them around?